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Author Topic: Its the hook that counts  (Read 1637 times)

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Offline AncientOne

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Its the hook that counts
« on: October 29, 2014, 02:54:03 AM »
As many of you know I am writing a novel. I have just finished My 2nd edit and am getting prepared to submit it to an agent. I need to write a query letter. This is a very tricky thing to do. You have to get their interest with one sentance, then get them to read your snyposis. The first sentance is called a hook. here is my hook:

Brandi discovers that Earth a land of science has a parallel dimension in Anduran, a land of magic. She meets Donalph, an Elf Lord from Anduran, disguised as a human. They embark on a series of deadly missions to save both worlds.

Would this sentance make you decide to read more?

Thank you in advance.




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Offline Kailef

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Re: Its the hook that counts
« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2014, 05:07:05 AM »
The first sentence felt like it needed to be broken up a little.  I added some commas.  The second sentence is good.  The third sentence I changed just slightly, adding "Together" at the beginning.  I also wonder if you want a different adjective than "deadly".  I was going to say "Exciting" but I think that's a little too generic?  It would work like it is but the thing that interests me is the duality between the two parallel worlds.  Maybe something that emphasizes that part of the story?

Brandi discovers that Earth, a land of science, has a parallel dimension in Anduran, a land of magic. She meets Donalph, an Elf Lord from Anduran, disguised as a human. Together they embark on a series of deadly missions to save both worlds.
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Offline AncientOne

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Re: Its the hook that counts
« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2014, 08:10:05 AM »
Thanks Kai, good insight. How about this:


Together they embark on a series of threatening missions to save both worlds.





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Offline AncientOne

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Re: Its the hook that counts
« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2014, 08:55:52 AM »
here is my 1st draft of my query letter:

Dear (agent),

Brandi discovers that Earth a land of science has a parallel dimension in Anduran, a land of magic. She meets Donalph, an Elf Lord from Anduran, disguised as a human. together embark on a series of deadly missions to save both worlds.

Anduran a land of magic is wracked by a war brought about by greedy, jealous humans who coveted the powerful magic of the Quiesti elves. They allied with two lesser tribes of elves and coerced with fear, lies, greed and deceit the other races to attack the Quiesti. The humans and their allies were winning and the guardians decided to intervene. This intervention resulted in creation of a parallel dimension earth, a land of science. It also resulted in a schism between the three dragon guardians of Anduran.

The black dragon started events in motion that caused him to fight with the crystal and gold dragon, his sister dragons. He lost the fight and his life. His ambition was to conquer and rule Anduran as a god. He created a magic shield about Anduran to keep his sisters out and saved the two most powerful wizards from the outlawed elves.

In their weakened condition the sisters could not break through the shield. They decide to orchestrate events to bring two powerful magicians together and help them correct the events the black started before they destroy both worlds.

The story begins in London with the heroine Brandi. She an unassuming editor working for a small publisher. Her job and enjoying science fiction novels consumes her life. Not aware that she is elf, disguised as a human by her elf magician parents who were trapped on earth by mistake when the earth deminsion was created.

Feeling her magical power, the dragons led Donalph, the hero and an elf lord from Anduran, along a series of quests that resulted in him finding a portal spell that could transport him anywhere. Along with the portal spell was another spell that allowed him to travel to London. Where he eventually met Brandi.
The rest of the story is about the training of Brandi in magic, a blossoming relationship between her and Donalph and the finding of a solution for the troubles caused by the black dragon through a series of quests orchestrated by the sister dragons. The dragons didn’t directly lead the hero and heroin. They gave them a series of options hoping they would take the right ones.

Complete at 85,000 words THE RETURN OF THE CRYSTAL DRAGON is a fansasy novel that should appeal to all readers young and old.

I am an unpublished author. Full or partial ms is available upon request.

Thank you very much for your consideration.




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Offline AncientOne

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Re: Its the hook that counts
« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2014, 02:18:07 PM »
That is just too wordy. so here is a pared down version:

Brandi, an unassuming editor, working for Dexter’s Bindery, a small publishing firm in London, received the anxiously awaited manuscript by Donalph. She is a fan of his works and has read them all. Her pitiful life is consumed by her work and losing herself in the magical lands of the stories she reads. It will will soon be changed forever.

When she meets Donalph, an Elf Lord from Anduran, disguised as a human. She will discover that Earth a land of science has a parallel dimension in Anduran, a land of magic. Together they will embark on a series of deadly missions to save both worlds.

Anduran, the lush magical land of Donalph’s Quiesti elves is about to be wracked by war. Nemeth the black dragon’s desire to rule Anduran as a god has caused a schism with his sister guardians Siranteh the crystal, and Briath the gold. Grardians are forbidden, except under dire circumstances, to directly interfere with their world.

Nemeth was unrepentant and a fight ensued resulting in his death and the dragons had to orchistrate events to correct the tragedy he started.

Time is running out for both Anduran and Earth.




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Offline abner

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Re: Its the hook that counts
« Reply #5 on: November 26, 2014, 06:13:38 PM »
Hiya A1.  I had no idea you were writing, that's great!

You know... I'm not an English major, nor am I a writer, but I am a reader, so maybe the following comments are useful.

Question -- If an American lives in America... what lives in Anduran?  Anduranians?  My brain keeps skipping everytime I see "Anduran" used to describe a person, as well as the name of a place.  In other words... I expect the place to be named Andura with people named Andurans.   Or the place is Anduran, and the people are Anduranians... or Andurandans...

You say Earth is a land of science but... isn't Earth an entire planet?  "Land" usually denotes something smaller, like a continent... or country...

The sentence "When she meets Donalph , an Elf Lord from Anduran, disguised as a human." doesn't flow, especially considering the next sentence.  Why not try ... "When she meets Anduran Elf lord Donalph disguised as a human, she discovers that science-based Earth is twin to magic-based Anduran, which exists in a parallel dimension.

Is Donalph's disguise based on magic?  If so, how does that work on Earth?

And "Grardians" is probably supposed to be "Guardians?"

Oh, and whether my comments are too late... good luck!

Offline AncientOne

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Re: Its the hook that counts
« Reply #6 on: November 27, 2014, 06:20:13 PM »
Thank you very much, your points are great.

If you would like to read it I would be happy to email you a copy. It is about 85,000 words, double spaced. Your comments would be appreciated.

That is for anyone interested.




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Offline AncientOne

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Re: Its the hook that counts
« Reply #7 on: November 27, 2014, 07:06:47 PM »
Hewre is my updated query letter:

Dear (Agent),

They say that Dragons, Orcs, Elves, and Centaurs only exist in books. They were wrong.\

Brandi, an unassuming editor, working for Dexter’s Bindery, a small publishing firm in London, received the anxiously awaited manuscript by Donalph. She is a fan of his works and has read them all. Her pitiful life is consumed by her work and losing herself in the magical lands of the stories she reads. Her life will soon be changed forever.

When she meets Donalph, an elf lord from Anduran magically disguised as a human, she will discover that Earth, a planet of science, has a parallel dimension Ceres, a planet of magic. Together they will embark on a series of deadly missions to save both worlds.

The continent of Anduran on the planet Ceres, the lush magical land of Donalph’s Quiesti elves, is about to be wracked by war.

Nemeth the black dragon’s desire to rule Anduran as a god has caused a schism with his sister guardians Siranteh the crystal dragon, and Briath the gold dragon. Guardians are forbidden, except under dire circumstances, to directly interfere with their world.

When Nemeth was confronted by his sister guardians he was unrepentant and a fight ensued resulting in his death. The dragons had to arrange events leading Brandi and Donalph to correct the tragic measures he set in motion.

Time is running out for both Anduran and Earth.


Complete at 85,000 words THE RETURN OF THE CRYSTAL DRAGON is a fantasy novel that should appeal to young adults. Full or partial manuscript is available upon request.

I am an unpublished writer.




I am lost. I have gone to look for myself. If I return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

Offline AncientOne

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Re: Its the hook that counts
« Reply #8 on: November 28, 2014, 05:01:43 PM »
Thanks Kai, here are my changes:


Dear (Agent),

They say that Dragons, Orcs, Elves, and Centaurs only exist in books. They were wrong.

Brandi, an unassuming editor working for Dexter’s Bindery, a small publishing firm in London, received the anxiously awaited manuscript by Donalph, a new client. She is a fan of his works and has read them all. Her lonely life is consumed by her work, and losing herself in the magical lands of the stories she reads is all that she looks forward to. Her life will soon be changed forever when she meets Donalph in person.

The writer Donalph is in fact an elf lord from Anduran, magically disguised as a human. Brandi will discover that Earth, a planet of science, has a parallel dimension called Ceres, a planet of magic. Together they will embark on a series of amazing adventures to save both worlds.

The continent of Anduran on the planet Ceres, the lush magical land of Donalph’s Quiesti elves, is about to be wracked by war.

Nemeth the black dragon’s desire to rule Anduran as a god has caused a schism with his sister Guardians Siranteh the crystal dragon, and Briath the gold dragon. Guardians are forbidden, except under dire circumstances, to directly interfere with their world.

When Nemeth was confronted by his sister guardians he was unrepentant and a fight ensued resulting in his death. The dragons had to arrange events leading Brandi and Donalph to correct the tragic measures he set in motion.

Time is running out for both Anduran and Earth.


Complete at 85,000 words THE RETURN OF THE CRYSTAL DRAGON is a fantasy novel that should appeal to young adults. Full or partial manuscript is available upon request.

I am an unpublished writer.




I am lost. I have gone to look for myself. If I return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

Offline abner

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Re: Its the hook that counts
« Reply #9 on: December 08, 2014, 03:15:41 PM »
I'd be happy to read it -- I'll PM you with my email address, but be warned.... It's hard for me to find the time anymore, but I'll take a stab at it!


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